One issue, in your own words
Work on paper or in your own text editor. Choose one issue and leave the rest for another time. Short notes are enough; additional questions are optional. You can stop at preparation.
You do not need to include names or sensitive details. When using a shared device, printer or cloud synchronisation, check who can see your notes.
1. Choose the topic
Describe your part in the conversation. “I want to say that I need a different division of chores” describes something you can do. The other person’s agreement is not entirely within your control.
- What do I want to talk about?
- What do I want to say, explain or ask?
- Optional: why does this matter to me? What will I leave for another conversation?
2. Choose a concrete example
Separate what happened from assumptions about someone else’s intentions. For example: on Monday and Wednesday the dishes were left after dinner; I washed them in the morning and had less time before going out. This does not establish why the other person did not wash them.
- What exactly happened?
- What effect did it have on me?
- Optional: what did I observe, and what am I assuming?
3. Name your need and request
You can make “I need more help” more specific: “I want to agree who cleans the kitchen after dinner”. You do not have to know the best solution yet. The conversation can also help you gather information.
- What do I need in this situation?
- What exactly do I want to say or ask for?
- Optional: what do I need to find out before looking for a solution?
4. If useful: a boundary and room to negotiate
You might write: “I will not decide today. I need until tomorrow”. Describe an action you can actually take. Do not use consequences as threats or pressure. “I do not know yet” is a valid response. You can skip this step.
- What am I unwilling or unable to agree to?
- Where do I have flexibility to look for a solution?
- Optional: what can I realistically do?
5. Write your own opening
Two or three sentences are enough. If possible, read them aloud and remove words you would not normally use.
A starting point rather than a script: “I want to talk about… This matters to me because… Can we give it some time now?”
- How will I introduce the topic and my reason for talking?
- How will I check whether we can talk properly now?
- Optional: how can I shorten the opening so it sounds like me?
6. Prepare for one or two difficult moments
Do not plan for every possible reaction. Choose no more than two moments. You might write: “I will check my notes”, “Let us finish this issue first” or “I need to think about it”.
Choose something that is possible in your situation. Pausing or leaving a conversation is not always an option.
- When might I lose track or run out of words?
- What could I say or do then?
- Optional: how can I return to the issue, ask for time or take a break?
My conversation notes
Page 5 of the PDF contains a blank summary sheet. Keep only the notes you need. You may stop at preparation. Afterwards, you can also record that you did not reach agreement.
- The topic and what I want to communicate.
- A concrete example and its effect on me.
- My need, request or decision.
- My opening.
- A difficult moment and a possible response.
- Optional: a boundary and what can be negotiated.
- Optional: a question for the other person.
- Afterwards, if useful: what did we agree, and what remains open?
Fictional example: sharing kitchen chores
I want a different division of chores because the current arrangement is wearing me down. On Monday and Wednesday the dinner dishes were left until morning. I washed them before going out, had less time and felt upset.
I need a predictable division without having to remind someone every time. I want to suggest that whoever does not cook cleans up that evening, and see whether the arrangement works for us.
Opening: “Do you have a moment today to talk about the kitchen? It is tiring to keep cleaning in the evening or the next morning. I want us to agree on a different division”.
If I hear “But I do a lot too”: “I want to hear what you take care of. Then let us come back to sharing the kitchen chores”. If I run out of words: “I need a moment. I will check my notes”.
I do not want to give daily reminders; I can negotiate days and exceptions. My question: “What share can you regularly take responsibility for?” The example does not promise a particular outcome.
Scope and using the files
This material concerns everyday conversations. It does not assess safety where there are threats, violence or a risk of retaliation. It does not encourage confrontation; safety and appropriate support may come first.
Print on A4 at 100%, preferably single-sided. You can print only the summary sheet on page 5. Black-and-white printing is suitable.
What has been checked
It has not been tested with readers or through physical printing and handwriting. We do not claim a complete accessibility audit or PDF/UA conformity. File and preview checks do not replace those tests.